45: How to Tackle a Theme Park Like a Spy Hunter

Spies, Lies & Cybercrime by Eric O'Neill

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In This Issue

Title Story: I spoke at a Conference in Orlando and took my children to the new Epic Universe theme park. Here is how I tackle a theme park like a spy hunter.

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Title Story

How to Tackle a Theme Park Like a Spy Hunter

When most people think of a theme park, they imagine sugary snacks, long lines, and roller coasters. But when you’ve spent your life tailing spies and tracking threats, you approach things a little differently. You see a sprawling battlefield filled with opportunities—and traps. A day at a theme park isn’t a vacation. It’s a mission. And like any successful mission, it requires strategy, planning, and flawless execution.

Phase One: Reconnaissance

Every operation starts with intel. Before we even booked our flights, I ran recon on ticket deals. Credit card rewards, bank perks, and loyalty programs often hide discount codes that most people miss. If you’re smart—and know how to ask AI the right questions—you can dig up serious savings from reputable vendors. But treat unknown sites like dark alleys in Moscow: proceed with caution.

With tickets locked in, it was time to review the park’s rules. Backpacks are allowed, but some rides don’t let you carry them on. Know where lockers are. Know when you’ll need them. Know which rides are strict. And most importantly, know the forecast. A sudden downpour can shut down half your target list. Three of our must-hit rides—Stardust Racers, Hiccup’s Wing Gliders, and Curse of the Werewolf—are vulnerable to weather. So we made them our top priority. In a storm, they go dark. So we struck early.

Transportation also matters. We skipped the car rental and went with a Lyft. Straight to the gate, no parking nightmares, and no wandering through asphalt deserts.

Phase Two: The Ops Plan

A theme park is a lot like a surveillance job—success depends on timing. We mapped out our highest-priority targets:

  • Harry Potter and the Battle at the Ministry

  • Monsters Unchained: The Frankenstein Experiment

  • Mario Kart: Bowser’s Challenge

We then reverse-engineered wait times to identify when these rides are least crowded. Lunchtime and late afternoon are prime. That’s when we struck. While others sat down for burgers and fries, we were zipping past the velvet ropes.

The rides that were weather-sensitive? We tackled them right out of the gate. No hesitation. In this business, you don’t leave vulnerabilities on the board.

In line at Epic Universe’s Harry Potter and the Battle at the Ministry Attraction (it took us 3.5 hours!)

I’m an analog guy. Best way to pass the time in line.

Phase Three: Gear Up

You don’t bring a trench coat and fedora to a covert mission, and you don’t show up to a park unprepared.

We packed smart: protein bars, granola bites, water bottles. Sunblock, hats, sunglasses, and running shoes—nothing slows you down like a sunburn or the wrong shoes. Every phone had a power brick backup, and all electronics were stashed in zip-locks before we went near water. One credit card only. No cash, no debit. If something gets lifted, it’s easier to kill a credit card than deal with drained accounts.

Phase Four: The 10-7 Strategy

(That’s radio code for “out of service” for those of you who didn’t do time in a surveillance van.)

Food matters, but we didn’t waste peak ride hours standing in line for burgers. We let the crowds jam up the restaurants at noon and 6 p.m. Instead, we rode. Then we planned one meal—mid-afternoon—when tables opened up and our legs were shot. Everyone voted, and we landed on two standouts: Pizza Moon and The Burning Blade Tavern. Mission accomplished.

Success deserved a Butterbeer.

Sunglasses are a must for Spies, sunny days and selfies.

Final Phase: Stay Sharp 

Even the safest place can turn sideways fast. We had a rule: visual contact at all times. Before we entered, we took photos of the kids in case someone wandered. We picked rally points near major landmarks. And no one went solo—not even for churros.

The key to crushing a theme park is preparation. Think like a spy hunter, and you’ll leave the crowds behind, hit every top ride, eat like a king, and walk out without ever standing in a 90-minute line. That’s the difference between surviving a theme park—and owning it.

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